In Which Arthur Reads of Science and Urine
by Kitty O
Summary: The title kinda says it all. Based on a prompt. One shot, ficlet. Crackish, I suppose... I own neither Merlin nor the book The 13th Element.


_A/N: The prompt from this could be found by asking Jissai or PoiPig, but really it's basically this: grab the book nearest you, and write about Arthur's reaction to it. Well, this is all well, good, and fun, but I grabbed a dog-eared book on the history of (of all things) phosphorus. As I have horrible memories of trying to write essays on it, this might not be as funny as I would like. But oh, well, a prompt's a prompt! Read. Enjoy. Review. _

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><p><strong>In Which Arthur Reads of Science and Urine <strong>

Arthur was not one for learning. Brains, in his opinion, were for men unlucky enough to have no brawn. And therefore, he was not fond of reading, either. Actually, Arthur would go to great lengths to avoid picking up a book, whether it was an adventure story or that odd book he kept finding under Merlin's floorboards (apparently Merlin was studying a foreign language).

But, when it came right down to it, no self-respecting man of action could keep himself from picking up any book entitled _The Sordid Tale of Murder, Fire, and Phosphorus: The 13__th__ Element _and at least looking at it. It had been sitting on Gaius's desk, completely out-of-place with its papery binding and odd, colorful cover. He picked it up, glancing at Gaius's turned back. The physician didn't notice, just picked up some remedy and left the room.

Arthur opened it.

_Chapter One: Out of Alchemy. _

Arthur glared at the book, wondering why Gaius owned it. "Alchemy is forbidden," he said to the book. "It's like magic. That's not allowed."

The book did not respond, which was so unsurprising that it actually didn't need to be mentioned.

Arthur shut the book; he fully intended to put the book down and walk away, because reading it would be disobeying his father. And that never ended well. But, at the same time… Alchemy wasn't exactly like magic, right? And if Gaius owned it, it was probably legal, right? And his father had never explicitly told him not to pick up a book by this title, right?

Right.

Besides, what kind of a king would Camelot want? One who did what his father told him to, or one who read interesting books with very manly, destructive, fiery titles?

He reopened the book, turning dry pages in his fingers, his eyes flickering over them. And Arthur was thrown head first into a world so crazy that it had to be made up. A world where men turned urine – wait, urine? What? – into things that glowed, but were neither magic nor gold… And then turned that into things named after the devil, lucifer matches, and people made money and started protests and… killed fish.

And this was all Science? He'd been underestimating it his whole life!

Arthur kept reading.

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><p>"Merlin, why are you just hanging about in the middle of the day? Where's Arthur?"<p>

Merlin grinned at his mentor, cocking his head to the side in that way that only Merlin could really manage to make somehow both sarcastic and cute. "I know what you're thinking… But no, Arthur hasn't been attacked by _anything_ today! He's… he's _reading_. Reading _Science_."

"_Reading_?" Gaius's eyebrow oh-so-gracefully brushed the ceiling.

"He said something about Science and urine."

"What?"

Merlin shrugged. "Hey, anything that keeps him out of trouble. Let him read if he wants to. He's in your chambers." Merlin jerked his head in that general direction, for he'd been sitting out in the hall, hoping to avoid being given chores.

Gaius looked at the door. "I must see this," he mumbled, starting for the door.

When he opened the door, Arthur's incredulous voice drifted out into the corridor.

"She had an affair with his _brother_? And so he _poisoned_ her?" Apparently seeing Gaius in the door, Arthur added, "Gaius, he killed his wife and her unborn child! How dare he? I'd challenge him to a duel, if he was here!"

"That's terrible, Sire. I hope he was punished." Gaius then turned to look at Merlin with an expression that said more in silence than Arthur did when angry: '_You said he's reading _Science_?' _

And Arthur hadn't even gotten to World War II yet…

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><p><em>AN: Review or suffer my wrath... And you should so be scared of my wrath. It's quite... wrathful. _


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